Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
