I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
