I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
