She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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