Dual....:-)
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
