guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
