ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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