I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
