My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize