So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
