the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
