My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
