two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
