i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
