can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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