in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
