Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
