I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
