I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
