Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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