my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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