There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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