Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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