I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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