My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
