I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
