dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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