Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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