he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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