Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize