and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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