Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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