omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
