Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think your dad took our porno
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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