It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
