My room smells like vodka and shame
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
