Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how does that bad decision feel?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
