I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
