My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
