I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So many bounce houses so little time
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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