the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
my liver is dry heaving
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
