Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
