Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
