Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
