Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
