Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I am one with the molecules
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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