Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
