just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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