You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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