Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
