well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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