i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
