how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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