i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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