this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
