Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
