new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
