I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
