I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
