She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
