I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
