i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
