Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
