Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
