I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
