we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
