i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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