i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
