you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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