I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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