ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think my moral compass just broke
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
