so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
