Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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