You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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