my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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