Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
