she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What a dumb baby whore.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
